who i used to be.

it puts me in a strange state when people dont recognize me. of course, in at least one way, it makes me smile; I always hoped I would change as I grew up. I came to terms with who I used to be, but was never really very fond of her. I tried to be, I still try to be, but everyday I continue to grow and bend into a new form and a new shape. sometimes it’s hard to keep up with new experiences that breed new feelings and new fears and new dreams. I guess changing my hair color and the way I dress is my way of matching the external with the internal, or maybe it’s because I’m bored and I’m trying to stay one step ahead of what goes on in my brain.
there is still a part of me, though, that wants to see that stupid little girl with mousy brown hair who’s dream was to be an Olympic figure skater and a part-time waitress at Mimi’s Cafe looking back at me in the mirror. there’s really no way to describe the desire to start life over again and give it another go; I think everyone feels it at some point. anyone with any sort of sanity would give anything and everything to be born again, to use their previously-attained wisdom and experience to keep them out of trouble and make a better future for themselves. but if we could, we wouldn’t really be ourselves anymore. I think for me, and probably for a lot of other people, that wouldn’t phase us. no one really likes who they are all that much; maybe with context, maybe compared to who we used to be, but not solely our present selves. we are broken, mangled, hurt, defensive, and scared; scared of loving, scared of dying, scared of being & scared of NOT being. it’s all in the unknown. it’s the lack of control we are scared of. and that’s just part of being human, that’s what it essentially is. we are naive, confused, and lost, and all we ever want from life is to find the map that tells us where to go. I think we all find the map quicker than we think, though. it’s just a matter of learning how to read it.
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who i used to be.

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